“When are you guys getting married?”
It’s a question my friends know better than to ask, but one my girlfriend’s friends seem to have no trouble tossing around.
I think some of them expect me to have a real answer like “June” or “2014,” but it’s just not like that.
It seems almost blasphemous to ask, but what is the big deal with getting married? Can’t people just be happy that we’re not rushing into things?
One of my many opinions on the subject of marriage is that with just over 40 percent of all marriages ending in divorce, why not do my part to bring that number down by just not getting married?
That way, if for some reason (God forbid) one of us feels like walking away, there is no legally binding document to mess around with before we divide our assets and get separate homes.
Of course, one of my best friends, Joe, tells me that this is a stupid way to think about it. He might be right.
According to him I need to, “Lock that (expletive deleted) down.” In other words, I need to get a gold ring on her to keep her from leaving.
I’m really hoping that keeping her around doesn’t require expensive jewelry, that my personality and charm are enough, but maybe I should take my friend’s advice.
What is marriage though? I mean, sure it’s a great loophole in the legal systems which might keep you protected from certain uncomfortable questions in court and lets you pay less in taxes, but as far as the social ramifications go it’s not much more than a promise to stay together, one that about 40 percent of people don’t keep if you believe the U.S. Census Bureau.
Other, more practical and legally-minded compatriots of mine tell me that a prenuptial agreement is a must-have for any man thinking about getting married.
I’m not so sure though; seems to me like it’s admitting to failure before even trying.
Besides, those agreements are really meant for millionaires and movie stars who really have something to lose. I on the other hand don’t really own anything of greater value than my television, and if she really wants to divorce me to get half of that, then I’ll gladly take an axe and divide it myself, no lawyer necesary.
They say that love means never having to say you’re sorry, which must mean that I’m not in love since I find myself apologizing quite often–mostly for arriving late or forgetting to send a card on some special day or write a column that pokes a bit of fun at a hallowed social institution (like marriage).
It’s nice to know that my brain is safe from the mental malady sometimes referred to as love; it leaves me free to make
rational decisions which concern how the rest of my life will play out.
On the other hand there are many comedians who would tell you that love really doesn’t have much to do with marriage. I’m really hoping that isn’t true.
Of course no digression on the sacrament of marriage could be complete without some thoughts on religion.
It should surprise no one who has read my column in the past to know that I’m what is sometimes referred to as a “lapsed Catholic” or “recovering cathoholic” as a witty Mormon friend of mine once quipped.
Marriage in the Catholic Church is a solemn ritual of union with a number of rules. It is also a pain in the behind to be married in the Catholic Church to someone who isn’t Catholic. Since my girlfriend is of a Ukranian Orthodox background, a church wedding doesn’t appear to be in our future.
That’s fine by me–but not by my maternal grandmother–because I don’t want to get married inside of a building (another Catholic rule).
If I have my way–which I probably won’t– we’ll get married next to a river, stream, or creek and neither of us will be wearing shoes when it comes time to slide on the rings.
I’m also hoping to avoid that part of the wedding where the bride and groom smear cake onto each other’s faces, but that is also unlikely.
I suppose the desire to be outdoors for the joining process precludes a winter wedding (at least in Wisconsin) which means that I’m a bit closer to answering the “when” question.
As you can probably tell, I’m more concerned right now with the “how” and “why,” which I feel get left out of many marriage equations as I’ve watched friends try to budget and plan.
Suffice to say that I’m not in any big hurry and, luckily, neither is she.
4 comments:
what do you mean it's unlikely you'll get to have your wedding outside? or that it will be by a stream or creek and barefoot? Why would you say that's unlikely?
:(
ps - if your grandma is going to have problems with this because she wants you to have a "traditional" wedding, then maybe you should point out that "traditionally" speaking, the wedding is usually at the bride's church. If that is blasphemous to her. Then you can dump me and find a Catholic girl to make her happy.
I love you very much and encourage you to take everything in this post in the tongue-in-cheek style in which it is written.
I, notably, have no desire whatsoever to have a catholic wedding, and the unlikely comment was meant to mean that not everything gets to be determined by me as there is a second head (your's dearest) involved which has input into the final outcome.
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