Things I Hate: Concert Edition

Are you that guy that just has to yell “WOOOOOOO!” at a concert? Are you so desperate for attention that just making noise so that people will look at you has become a viable option?

I guess I can’t fault this sort of behavior at a sporting event, where the reactions of the crowd have very little to do with the real object of attention. But when these kinds of outbursts start to occur at movies, concerts and lectures, I really just want to start stabbing people in the kidney.

Why the kidney? Because humans have two of them and can generally get by without one as opposed to lungs, which you really need both of, or the heart, which is essential and has no backup.

Forgive me for feeling like I want to hear whatever band I just handed over good money to hear.

If I wanted to hear mentally deficient people scream I’d just go to a shelter for the mentally handicapped and start kicking residents in the junk.

If you’re out raged by that last statement then perhaps you’re beginning to understand how I feel when someone makes a noise like a bull elk being castrated while I’m trying to listen to my favorite band who is 50 feet in front of me.

If you don’t want to do the same then why are you there in the first place.

I’m sure there are those of you who are scratching your heads and wondering how else you’re supposed to show your appreciation for the creative genius of the musician.

It’s called clapping, nimrod. Let me explain to you how it works.

Step 1: Put your hands together like you do when you’re asking your god to serve up a smorgasboard of drunken poontang at the all-night kegger.

Step 2: Pull your hands apart like when you’re exagerating the size of your penis to an intoxicated sorostitute in the hope that she’ll let you dissapoint her later.

Step 3: Bring both your hands together in a double slapping action. Like that time you smacked that bitch off the party porch when she laughed at your haircut.

Step 4: Repeat.

Please note that clapping is a bit more complicated than screaming at random times. You should only use it when the object of entertainment completes a portion of their act. If you’re confused as to what that means, just watch for when everyone else is doing it and follow along since that’s probably what you do best anyway.
If you’re that ready to comply with my instructions, let me try one more.

Step 1: Shoot yourself in the head.

Ok, now that we have all the incredibly stupid people gone, let’s continue with this rant.

Also at fault in my eyes are the morons who feel the need to put their hands in the air and do that morion that looks like they’re flicking imaginary water at the band.

If you want to pretend you’re dancing, try wiggling your hips a bit while shuffling your feet. You might look a little silly, but believe me that it’s nothing compared to how dumb you look trying to flick air at the performers. Keep your hands down and nod your head. If you absolutely have to do it, then try to limit it to a few seconds when you feel the music is really good. Like most gestures, it get worn out really fast when you use it too much.

I’ve saved my final complaint for last since it’s an all too common one. Turn your goddam cell phone off. Unless you’re a doctor, you really don’t need it on. If you have spent the time and money to make it through med school, then you should be smart enough to understand how the vibrate setting works. Use it.

Nobody, especially me, paid to hear a monophonic rendition of “We Are the Champions” or “Big Pimpin’” so shut the damn thing off.

Alright, rant concluded. We now return you to your regularily scheduled blogging.